Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
