Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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