I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
