so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
