I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
