It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
