I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
