So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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