Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
