I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you have feelings for this penis?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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