We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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