I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
