The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
