There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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