thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
