He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
