I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
