Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
