I'm so fucking centered right now
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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