haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
