Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
