So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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