i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
