I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize