She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
