After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
