I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
