Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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