I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
