I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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