apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
