I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
