Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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