i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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