Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
