either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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