billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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