Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
