Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
