Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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