oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
