last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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