Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
