do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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