Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
