im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
