I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
