We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
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