My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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