don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
