just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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