you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
literally had 100 drinks last night.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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