I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
