I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Acid is not a monday night drug
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
