his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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