why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
There's even glitter on my cock...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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